Last night was the visitation for my friend. It was awful. She looked so good. I hate when people say that, so I didn't say it. But I thought it. The thought creeped into my mind she could pop up at any seconds with one of her famous "gotcha's".
I guess when you have cancer and never get a chance to fight it, it doesn't show.
But when I touched her hand, she was cold. Thats what made the surreal evening real.
Her family was exhausted. Her mom, her poor mom, she hugged the kids and me. She said I don't know your names, but I know you from church. She had been to visit many times. (She had been on the prom-dress shopping excursion too with my friend and the girls). She also said she had never prayed so hard for a miracle as she had the last few weeks. We all did.
Things like this just wipe me out.
Emotionally draining.
Then I came home and did the dumbest thing.
I couldn't sleep. So I curled up on the couch and watched Stepmom.
Stepmom! What was I thinking??
That part at the end. When Susan Saradon is telling her son, then daughter to "take me with you." That was it. I cried.
My friend died way too young. So many things undone.
She is in a better place (such a cliche, but true.) But those she left behind are going to miss her. Everyday. They will carry her with them.
I think she took a little piece of those she loved with her too.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She is the second friend I lost to breast cancer. My best friend died a year and a half ago.
I can't help but think. This could be me. So far I have been lucky. Benign is such a nice word. My surgeon told me the first day I went to see him, I was probably one of those "not
if but
when women." I loved that about him. He looks me right in the eye and tells me what I need to know. Like Marcus Welby. Only tall. and German. And a little frazzled. :)
I try real hard not to think about it.
Be aware.
Keep my regular appointments.
Call when there is anything strange.
Keep my fingers crossed.